Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Destiny
I was just thinking about some things last night, and of course, writing them in a journal that my future great-great-great, etc. grandchildren will read and laugh at, and basically what I was writing about was how certain things seem to just fall into place and other things just sort of disappear and feel almost like they were never there to begin with..I am sure people can attribute this to god or some divine power, or destiny or something..but I was basically thinking about what kinds of things we talked about doing in high school (ok, basically, I was thinking about what kinds of things I talked about doing in high school - it was Selfish thinking)and wondering if we - or rather, I -had done any of them. For example, I really wanted to be a marine biologist...except, I found out I really have no aptitude for the math part of science and it was bringing me down. I could dissect a squid, but couldn't calculate the amount of boron in his ink (actually, I really don't know if boron is in squid's ink, but that's really not the point). So, I turned to something that now, in hindsight, I both love and am pretty good at, though certainly not brilliant. And, when I finally did turn to that something, it turned out that I made friends, gained connections, became competent and impressed people. In other words, a decision I made based on basically no knowledge or plans at all, turned out to seem like the place I was supposed to be. So then I started thinking about other things I wanted to do in my life, places I wanted to see, and wondering which of these may actually turn out to be something I make a decision about and actually wind up achieving - and which ones I will never get to do. And then I started wondering, of course (because, I'm not really selfish all the time!) whether stuff like this had happened to my friends - which kinda fits into the whole conversation about how only bad decisions are made after 2 am...which I again was finding to be amazingly destiny-like, because I NEVER watched that show before, and just happened to have it on and thought it was funny. And it was the same episode that all of you are talking about - all of you who watch it alot, if not weekly! - and thought, yep, some sort of destiny, if only the kind that lets you join in on conversations with your friends. And I thought it was cool. Also, I would love to hear any examples of this kind of thing from any of you. Cause well, than maybe I won't feel so different.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Wow, Kater, that's some deeeeeep thinking you've been doing. haha....I know where you are coming from, I think. Take the whole idea that had I not done things the way I did, I probably wouldn't have my second kid?? And, although there are some days that I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, all I have to do is talk to my girls, hear them giggle and get their hugs....I know I love them, and they love me. Can't imagine having it any other way!
No matter HOW icky the rest of my life is at times!
Alright, first, who in the world is anonymous? Normally that is either Sara or Erin, but it seems REALLY unlike that it is either of them, this time.
Second, who doesn't it happen to? At least, the negative part. We all have plans that just sort of fall away, don't we? By the end of high school I was going to be an engineer or maybe be somehow involved in theater.
Now I have a masters in research psychology and am about to be a LAWYER!
The odd part is that I'm not sure I've had that feeling of everything falling into place. I generally feel that if something good happened, I made it happen. Friends don't come naturally for me. I have to work to get them. Hard work and studying have always been for other people. I've had to battle for 6 or 7 years before getting even vaguely respectable at it.
I appreciate gifts. My parents have been a boon. Many unexpectedly good things have happened in my life. But...
But I don't know. I just read your post again and realized that I'm not sure if I know what you are talking about, much less whether I am appropriately responding. Have I done things other than what I thought I might in high school?
Probably. Yes, even.
Have I turned away from real, life-time goals in the process? I'm not sure. Being an engineer was never the real goal. The goal was to have a job that made me a decent salary.
Drama wasn't the real goal either. The goal was to produce something both that would be lasting and that might connect me emotionally with many.
Have I done that yet? No. Do I think I never will? Also, no.
I guess my point is that I may not have done what you've accomplished already. I know my ultimate destination, but I still haven't found the path that will lead me there.
Fe, first the anonymous is my older sister Judy. And some of what you said is responding to what I said. I wasn't looking for anything right - I guess what I was trying to say in my post was that things that happen by accident or through a period of waiting and seeing seem to be the things that were actually what we were supposed to do. Take for example something from my life. When I transferred to WSU I was kinda disappointed, cause I wasn't doing what I'd always said I wanted to do - marine biology. So I decided to just take a bunch of fun classes, at least that seemed fun to me cause I was lost. So, I asked my advisor about any Native American studies-and we didn't have any...but we DID have one ethnic studies class taught by Jerry Shaw - a half-blood Osage. And then, he ended up teaching more classes on Native Americans AND recommending me for a job as an SI leader even though I don't think I opened my mouth the entire semester I was so out of my element there. Now, I feel like I'm a his niece or daughter and I am doing my thesis on Native American history; plus, I also got my minor degree in Ethnic Studies cause I took so many of his classes. All good things that I was clearly meant to do (well, it feels like it) but that happened sort of by chance. That's sort of what I was talking about; but what you're talking about is good. I basically just wanted to get more intellectually emotional - or Deeep as my sister said; and stop pissing people off over the politics too!
Boom Boom,
You know... I totally see what you're getting at. I'm not sure I'd call it "Destiny," though. My life has taken a tiggity-ton of turns over the last 10 years. Exp... in grade school, I kind of wanted to be a teacher, in college I though about majoring in psychology, and then I considered business... but it turns out that PR was the place I was supposed to be.
And now... I'm doing administrative work that is only vaguely related to my major... but I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what makes me happy instead of what I think would make me happy.
And then there's the whole Andrew thing. I've spend about the last 6 years pretty convinced that God wanted me to be a nun. I was just too afraid to admit it to myself. But then Andrew came along, and for the first time in a really long time I actually WANTED to be a mom. I actually LIKE kids. I had no idea!
It's weird how life happens. But I think all of the confusion was really just preparation for things to come. I met some awesome people during my "searching" period who ended up changing who I am today. It's neat.
Post a Comment