Thursday, November 30, 2006

Disappointment and Me

Well, on a sort of side note to my tribute to Sara - who is one of my closest friends - I have decided to branch out and talk about why I don't like to talk about personal things, private things, and yet at the same time, really wish that I would call my best friends, or sisters just to talk about everything and nothing, or about a problem I'm having.
I actually figured out that I have this problem with revealing personal, private things about myself to those I really care about - whether it's cause I'm upset with them for some reason, or something I've done or not done, etc. And this all came to a head during the time of my marriage and divorce with Adam. I am desperately afraid to disappoint my family and friends. Deep down, I think, I really believe that I am not worthy to be part of their family cause I'm different and weird, or their friend - that if I do something disappointing, or make a big mistake, then I will be dumped. I have no clue why this is. I am a little better now, because of Kay and Sara and others support during my divorce even though I didn't really tell them about my marriage. Because they supported me without knowing the details I believed that disappointing as my divorce was, they still loved me, cared about my happiness, and in general, was unconditional in giving that love and support.
In some cases, my hopes that I would be supported without question failed. In that regard, my feelings of disappointing them = getting dumped, kinda came true. So I ended up telling those people less, and less. I do not want to tell them much about my life, or Nick, or my decisions, for fear that they will not 1 - like my decisions and 2 - hate me for it. Case in point - I am very far from writing my thesis - I have research material, I have the ability, but after last year, and the stress, for some reason, my motivation and my ability to sit down and study and write have diminished. I know some of it is lack of confidence. That came from Adam and the subsequent events with him and my family. The other is my wavering. I want my master's degree, but I want it for me, not for anyone else, and therefore I resist doing it until I'm sure it's for me and not just because my dad thinks I should finish or he helped pay, or people think it will be a waste.
Lately, I feel that this is the way life is - you make decisions, people support or not, you live your life, etc. But my growth in this area is stunted because I care so much about what my family thinks, regardless of my happiness, ideas, or thoughts. I stayed engaged (despite my misgivings and even giving back the ring once and ending the engagement) because I didn't want to disappoint anyone, because we'd already planned so much, and because I wasn't sure that it wasn't just nerves - I didn't feel that I could go to anyone, describe what i was feeling and getting support for the decision I wanted to make - to end it, because I could imagine that they would say it was just jitters.
I tried to stay with Adam, with all the hurt, stress, and bad and good times that entailed. I will not go into details. There were good times, but they got cancelled out. When I made my decision, I tried to go to the people I cared about. But he had gone there first, knowing that I can't bear to disappoint them, knowing they were big factors in my decisions and my life. I could no longer trust that they were there for me. I heard more advice about staying - and all of the things said were those I'd said. And all of them were exactly what Adam had said they would say. I felt trapped.
If it hadn't been for some very good friends -Kay, Sara, Nick, Autumn, my sisters Judy and Jackie - I might be still in that place, in danger, unhappy, trapped, and hurt. They didn't care what Adam said, they wanted to listen to me, even though I could barely describe it. So thanks for that people!
BUT...I disappointed so many others and still feel guilty, even though my decision was the best one I could make. My ways to go about it were disappointing, but I feel that things would have been better if I had had some local, hands-on support. And on that note I will ask one favor of those who know me and have been a part of my life: any pictures you have of me as a child or teenager, with any of you, with my family, with my mom, of just my mom, or my dad, or my family, could you send me some copies. I ran for my life from Adam and he destroyed my keepsakes and the things I kept to make sure I could remember. So, that's my Christmas wish - to get some of it back. And if you would like to write to Adam and yell on my behalf...I'll give you the number or address :-)

Monday, November 27, 2006

A Tribute to Sara

The other day I talked to my friend Sara, who is due with my surrogate niece in January. I realized that she is going to be a mom. Yes, I realize that women who are pregnant become them, but it didn't really hit home until I talked to her. And so I wanted to post about how great a mom she is going to be. Not a mother - mothers are the people who are supposed to be revered automatically, no matter how great a person she is. Anyone can be a mother - just get a girl pregnant, wait 9 months and voila!
But a mom is different. A mom is the one you come to when you are hurt; a mom is someone who will give you memories (and don't get all bent out of shape dads, I'm just focusing on stuff moms do, not one stuff dads don't do, the same stuff I"m talking about applies to dads as well, not fathers - those are priests and in my opinion, anyone who wants his children to call him father is someone I picture as being a patriarchal, sexist, religiously overbearing person who also uses a belt for discipline - I am of course over generalizing and losing sight of my point) anyway, a mom.
A mom is someone who helps you make a fort with blankets in the living room, buys you your first bra, tells you honestly about periods (I'm focusing on girls as Sara is having a girl) and giggles with you about your first crush. She is also the one who loves you, even when you yell at her to stay out of your life - because now you're a teenager. The one who resents the curfew she feels you need, but understands when you need to break it - prom! A real mom is someone who totally disapproves of your decisions -to have sex maybe, before you're married - but she'll help you get birth control; a real mom is one who will be there for you when your first boyfriend and you break up - with cookie dough. She is one who will punish you when she needs to, and explains why. And I could go on, and on.
And Sara is going to be a great mom! She's going to be a great mom for a lot of the reasons that some people will say she's not - she's going to work to help provide for her family - she can't stay at home. And that makes her a good mom, because it shows that she can face reality, and work hard, and do the things that she has to do - and she's not injuring her family based on ideas of what family is "supposed to be." She's going to be a part of a real family, in real life, with all the problems and uniqueness that is wonderful in life. She's going to teach her kids about tolerance toward other people - homosexuals, pro-choice people (hey, Sara still loves me, and I hope, sorta understands me on this issue). She will give her child all the good things about religion - the good feeling that going to church can give, because it's steady, a tradition that provides good memories (I hope) for later, because you can sing there, even if you may not fully believe the words. She will be the mom that may be tired from work, but will still play tea party, or Star Trek, or watch March of the Penguins. Sara will be a good mom not because her religions tells her she has to, to fulfill her marriage vows or to propogate for future church members, but because she wants to and loves kids. She is a good mom already because of the person she married, one who is also tolerant, and loving, and cares about people. So, a tribute to Sara, who is going to be a great mom in a month or so, due dates being the inexact science that they are. I love you!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Meet Sophie

Meet Sophie, our new kitten! Isn't she adorable!? So far, Leo likes her and Casper is unsure. We'll have to wait and see how they all get along. But I'm optimistic. She's very curious and explores everything.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006


Well, I figured it was time for an update, one that doesn't have a very controversial topic. At least, I hope not. It's about books. I have been crazy lately, buying books: romance, fiction, literature (like the classics, such as King Solomon's Mine) and current events. I have been reading satire, Harlequin, drama, and mystery. This is of course, in between my insane schedule at work - every weekend. 8 hour days. On my feet. Smiling. For 8 hours. It's impossible to smile for 8 hours, continuously. Eventually, you have to just frown at something. But the babies are cute. Anyway, what are you all reading? Anything? Everything? Any good, new authors that you just have to tell someone about?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Yes! I am so excited! I know that the Democrat Controlled House and Senate (well, after recounts) won't make immediate changes but I am so excited to now that I voted and voter turnout was up (at least here) and we all want change. Some kind of change - whether in Iraq, or about stem cell research (way to go Missouri!) or abortion or whatever. Democrats have, to me at least, proven that they are the party of the people - the people wanted them. Even Jim Ryun in Kansas lost. And now the first woman Speaker of the House! Can you hear my heart racing with excitement! Okay anyway. Good job voters, even those of you who voted against the Dems, voting is awesome.

I know some of my readers will disagree with my enthusiasm. But, I just can't help it. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! South Dakota has repealed the abortion ban! They repealed it! They repealed it! Women will remain in control.
South Dakotans Stand Up for Freedom and Privacy, Repeal Divisive Abortion Ban

Vote in conservative stronghold a major defeat for anti-choice groups

Washington, DC –Nancy Keenan, president of NARAL Pro-Choice America, and Casey Murschel, executive director of NARAL Pro-Choice South Dakota, praised South Dakota voters' rejection of Referred Law 6, a near total ban on abortion.

"Tonight's victory belongs to the people of South Dakota who fought back against this political intrusion into personal, private decisions," Keenan said. "South Dakotans reaffirmed that the right to choose should be between a woman, her doctor, her family, and her God—not legislators or Gov. Mike Rounds. This result is a triumph for the fundamental values of freedom and privacy over divisive attacks against a woman's right to choose. This is a wake-up call to lawmakers in other states that America's pro-choice majority will not allow an assault on Roe v. Wade to go unanswered."

Murschel, a Republican legislator who led opposition to the ban, said, "Now, it is time for the same South Dakotans—Republicans, Democrats, and Independents—who defeated this ban to call on legislators and the governor to end these attacks and unify behind commonsense ways to prevent unintended pregnancy and reduce the need for abortion, without threatening women's health or jeopardizing access to safe, legal abortion."

The victory in South Dakota represents part of NARAL Pro-Choice America's comprehensive $2.5 million political program that contributed to this ballot measure in South Dakota and congressional races across the country. NARAL Pro-Choice America joined its state affiliate, NARAL Pro-Choice South Dakota as early leaders in a state-based coalition formed to fight this ban, providing significant financial and organizational resources and mobilizing a network of nearly 1,000 activists in the state. Further, NARAL Pro-Choice South Dakota invited Keenan to the state, where she met with pro-choice leaders and offered considerable support early on in the effort to place this measure on the ballot.

Ted Miller, 202.973.3032

Sunday, November 05, 2006


Alright people! On Tuesday I expect all of you to get your butts to the polls and vote. Vote Democrat! Vote Pro-choice! Vote Republican! Vote Pro-Life! Vote Independent! Vote Nazism! (Okay, maybe not) but get out there and vote. The polls open at 7 and close at 8, at least here in Iowa they do, so go early, before work or school. Or go later, after work or school. Or go during your lunch break. Just get out there and vote and make the United States one of those countries that has a high voting record - I mean, even Iran and Iraq has better voter turnout! So get out there and yell at those politicians. Tell them they have to listen to us! Vote! Vote! Vote!

Oh, yeah, personal endorsement - vote Democrat and pro-choice. Get those Republicans out of Congress and out of our private health decisions.