Disappointment and Me

Well, on a sort of side note to my tribute to Sara - who is one of my closest friends - I have decided to branch out and talk about why I don't like to talk about personal things, private things, and yet at the same time, really wish that I would call my best friends, or sisters just to talk about everything and nothing, or about a problem I'm having.
I actually figured out that I have this problem with revealing personal, private things about myself to those I really care about - whether it's cause I'm upset with them for some reason, or something I've done or not done, etc. And this all came to a head during the time of my marriage and divorce with Adam. I am desperately afraid to disappoint my family and friends. Deep down, I think, I really believe that I am not worthy to be part of their family cause I'm different and weird, or their friend - that if I do something disappointing, or make a big mistake, then I will be dumped. I have no clue why this is. I am a little better now, because of Kay and Sara and others support during my divorce even though I didn't really tell them about my marriage. Because they supported me without knowing the details I believed that disappointing as my divorce was, they still loved me, cared about my happiness, and in general, was unconditional in giving that love and support.
In some cases, my hopes that I would be supported without question failed. In that regard, my feelings of disappointing them = getting dumped, kinda came true. So I ended up telling those people less, and less. I do not want to tell them much about my life, or Nick, or my decisions, for fear that they will not 1 - like my decisions and 2 - hate me for it. Case in point - I am very far from writing my thesis - I have research material, I have the ability, but after last year, and the stress, for some reason, my motivation and my ability to sit down and study and write have diminished. I know some of it is lack of confidence. That came from Adam and the subsequent events with him and my family. The other is my wavering. I want my master's degree, but I want it for me, not for anyone else, and therefore I resist doing it until I'm sure it's for me and not just because my dad thinks I should finish or he helped pay, or people think it will be a waste.
Lately, I feel that this is the way life is - you make decisions, people support or not, you live your life, etc. But my growth in this area is stunted because I care so much about what my family thinks, regardless of my happiness, ideas, or thoughts. I stayed engaged (despite my misgivings and even giving back the ring once and ending the engagement) because I didn't want to disappoint anyone, because we'd already planned so much, and because I wasn't sure that it wasn't just nerves - I didn't feel that I could go to anyone, describe what i was feeling and getting support for the decision I wanted to make - to end it, because I could imagine that they would say it was just jitters.
I tried to stay with Adam, with all the hurt, stress, and bad and good times that entailed. I will not go into details. There were good times, but they got cancelled out. When I made my decision, I tried to go to the people I cared about. But he had gone there first, knowing that I can't bear to disappoint them, knowing they were big factors in my decisions and my life. I could no longer trust that they were there for me. I heard more advice about staying - and all of the things said were those I'd said. And all of them were exactly what Adam had said they would say. I felt trapped.
If it hadn't been for some very good friends -Kay, Sara, Nick, Autumn, my sisters Judy and Jackie - I might be still in that place, in danger, unhappy, trapped, and hurt. They didn't care what Adam said, they wanted to listen to me, even though I could barely describe it. So thanks for that people!
BUT...I disappointed so many others and still feel guilty, even though my decision was the best one I could make. My ways to go about it were disappointing, but I feel that things would have been better if I had had some local, hands-on support. And on that note I will ask one favor of those who know me and have been a part of my life: any pictures you have of me as a child or teenager, with any of you, with my family, with my mom, of just my mom, or my dad, or my family, could you send me some copies. I ran for my life from Adam and he destroyed my keepsakes and the things I kept to make sure I could remember. So, that's my Christmas wish - to get some of it back. And if you would like to write to Adam and yell on my behalf...I'll give you the number or address :-)