Today I put my little girl down for her nap and as I walked out of her room I was hit by one of those waves of love and 'how lucky am I' feelings. She was clearly ready for her nap - we'd played hard with Daddy all morning and then gone for walk to see the ducks and geese and turtles at the Nature Center. So she had curled up against my shoulder, clutching her Knuffle Bunny and keeping her hands and arms up against my chest like she does. I sang her songs, put her down and walked out. And bam....I was thinking of how lucky I am, and how content I feel. On crazy rushed days, when I'm wondering if I'm doing a good job as a mom and a wife, if I'm not fulfilling my full potential; when Alice is screeching or upset because I can't understand what she wants or didn't give in when she wanted to eat crayons or play in the toilet or any of a number of things, these moments seem faraway. But they happen a lot more than I think they do on the bad days. Even on the bad days.
And I wonder, 'why was I so worried about doing things the "right" way back when she was a newborn?' When we're ready and we have baby number 2 and I'm trying to sleep and feed and keep up with a newborn and a toddler and I'm wishing I could go back to those long afternoons reading while Alice would nurse and then fall asleep - I wish I could tell myself back then - ENJOY THIS! STOP WORRYING about screwing her up or spoiling her or not teaching her good habits or teaching her bad habits!
But life isn't like that. So I am going to have to remember that there are moments in the craziness where everything feels right and I am going to need those to get through the (many) moments that are crazy, and I'm feeling completely inadequate, and I'm snipping at my husband and he's snipping at me because we're both exhausted....
Well, I just have to re-read this blog post and remember that at this moment, Alice loves to snuggle on my lap before bedtime and naptime and hug her bunny and listen to me sing. And that I'm lucky.